How Destination Addiction is ruining your life and how to break it!
Rice Fields of Ubud, Bali 2022 — © Dylan Monteverde
When I first came across “beware destination addiction”, a term coined by psychologist Dr Robert Holden, it resonated deeply. The phrase triggered an intuitive feeling of familiarity. I was instantly reminded of something I’d suffered from all my life:
I always want to be where I am not.
I always believe I would be happier and more successful when I achieve/attain something or go somewhere else.
In this post, I will dissect the ubiquitous phenomenon of destination addiction, how it can ruin our lives and how to overcome it by embracing the magic of the present moment.
What on earth is Destination Addiction?
It’s the unconscious mindset or psychological tendency to focus excessively on achieving a future goal or reaching an alternative destination. This is done at the expense of enjoying the present moment and where you are on your journey.
In our fast-paced hustling society, we are always on the go. We live in the antithesis of be here now. Always busy, rushing through life, absent-minded, never present. We live to get to the end of the day; the thank God it’s Friday feeling, the two-week annual vacation. All the while, thinking that our success and happiness lie in some conditional future — never right now!
How many times have you thought?
When I get a promotion or find another job, I will finally be happy.
When I find a new partner, I will feel whole.
When I move to another country, all my problems will disappear.
When I finish university and get a job, I will be successful.
When I complete that course or heal from my trauma, I will feel confident to launch my business.
It’s always: When I [x] then I will feel [y]…
Here’s the thing: this attitude to life is harmful and deceiving. An illusion. Pure Escapism. A coping mechanism rooted in the ego to keep us pushing through an unhealthy, unnatural lifestyle that we modern humans are not built for.
The happiness/success/peace [insert what you wish to experience here] that we postpone to the future never arrives! We have become hamsters running idly in the pursuit of happiness wheel.
The worst thing is that when we eventually achieve or attain our deepest desire, our minds are wired and programmed to quickly overcome the novelty and repeatedly restart the process of wanting and craving.
I will share a personal story from my journey.
“Living the Bali Dream” 😅
Bali Dream Life
In 2015, I visited Bali for the first time and fell madly in love with the place, the culture, and the people. All I could think about, for many years was moving there and starting a new life. This was reinforced deeper when I revisited the island in 2017.
For five years, I romanticised how amazing and perfect my life would be if only I lived in Bali. I fantasised and daydreamed daily. I let myself be seduced by the ill-conceived notion that all my problems would disappear when I lived there. I convinced myself I would become happy, super productive, creative, and inspired just because of living there.
I was so obsessed with Bali as a destination that I inadvertently made my existence in Gibraltar miserable. My mood changed. I became anxious and distracted. Nothing was quite good enough compared to the utopia I had constructed Bali to be in my mind. As a result, I did not trust or enjoy the process. Moreover, I deprived myself of the opportunity to experience so much joy, happiness and presence with my family and friends.
My destination addiction was real.
It wasn’t until January 2020 that I managed to restructure my life, finances, and relationships and finally take the leap and move to Bali.
Guess what happened when I moved to Bali (besides a world pandemic!). After a few months of “living the Bali dream”, my destination addiction started creeping up again. I began to miss my family. I wasn’t as creative or productive as I thought I’d be. I once again became anxious and distracted. Eventually, my ego convinced me that perhaps moving to the jungles of Peru to do ayahuasca would make me happier and more “conscious”— whatever that means!
To my dismay, I ironically developed paradise fatigue after being in Bali for a while (despite Bali being the nirvana I had constructed in my mind for years).
Wherever You Go, There You Are — Jon Kabat-Zinn
Aha! Destination Addiction strikes again!
It was then that I finally realised how easy it is to become prey to the turbulence of the mind. How, if we are not careful, we can spend our whole lives denying ourselves the infinite joy and happiness right in front of us to some future destination that never arrives. Tragic! I know!
Please don’t let me be misunderstood…
So far, we have identified destination addiction and how it can mess things up for us. Before exploring ways to overcome it, I must clarify the difference between destination addiction and healthy striving for goals and a better future.
Nothing in the extreme is ever good, the virtue lies in the middle
— Dylan Monteverde
When we are suffering or in an undesirable life situation and hope for a better future, this is healthy and normal. Setting goals, working hard, dreaming big, and being hopeful about a better future is also healthy and a part of life.
Please do not confuse this with destination addiction.
Destination addiction is when we deceive ourselves into thinking that we cannot find what we seek inside ourselves and defer it to a future that never arrives.
The key is to always be grateful for what you have while striving for more
—Anonymous
Me posing in a forest in Bali in 2020
How to Overcome Destination Addiction: Gratitude & Mindfulness
The antidote to destination addiction is gratitude and mindfulness.
When we develop a gratitude practice, we combat the unconscious and relentless craving of the chronically unsatisfied mind. Gratitude grounds into the present moment and fills us with a feeling of abundance and joy.
I found that journaling three things you are grateful for daily was good for a short while. However, it quickly became an exercise of the mind. I was no longer feeling gratitude but looking for things that made me feel good. The whole exercise began to feel contrived.
My recommendation for an effective gratitude practice is to take a couple of minutes, sit down, centre yourself and cultivate the feeling of gratitude in your heart centre. Do not think; instead, bring up feelings of gratitude within.
Dr Joe Dispenza shows us exactly how to do this in this video:
I also highly recommend that you take daily gratitude meditation walks. Bring mindfulness to the feeling of gratitude whilst you walk. It’s pure magic! If you can do it in nature, even better!
Another powerful solution to rid yourself of Destination Addiction is mindfulness!
Throughout your day, try to become mindful or aware of when your mind is engaging in destination addiction. This is a practice and takes time to master.
Let me explain with an example.
You’re at the office working on something. Suddenly, your mind conjures a train of thought that distracts you. It says something like:
“I can’t believe you have to do this every day. You hate this kind of work! It’s only Tuesday! I can’t wait for Saturday. They don’t pay me enough. I need to sort my life out. If I find another job, then I will no longer be miserable. What if I moved to Australia? I saw this guy's Instagram stories; it looks awesome there! I would be so much happier living there! I can’t wait to be there! One day!
Boom! As soon as you know it, your wild, untamed mind has taken you down a spiral of feeling like absolute shit!
Mindfulness is the practice of becoming aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgment. By observing the patterns of our minds, we can detach ourselves from the constant desire for something different and ground ourselves in the present moment.
As I see it, Mindfulness helps you become aware of when your mind has initiated a train of madness (like the one I describe above). The goal is to notice the train moving rather than letting yourself be taken for the ride. You witness the train, but you do not identify as a passenger. You watch it go by and ground yourself into the now. This practice is like going to the gym and lifting weights. It takes time, practice and dedication.
Mindfulness offers life-changing rewards, enhancing our overall satisfaction and quality of life. Please try it.
If you combine mindfulness with daily meditation, then, my friend, you are setting yourself up for success! You will bring a generous dose of unadulterated inner joy and peace to your life! And what more could you need?
Until you don’t give up the idea that happiness and success lie somewhere else, it will never be where you are now — Robert Holden
Does any of this resonate? Leave a comment below or reach out! I’d love to hear from you.
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